|Posted by Tricia Drover on January 8, 2016 at 12:40 PM||comments (0)|
Unfortunately the overwhelming sense of impending doom and chaos in the world has not improved much in the past couple of months. The hardest part about this generalized anxiety is that I am not the only one experiencing it. It is harder to move past the fear when it is validated in others.
However, fear for the future is never logical because you simply never know a) what will happen and b) what impact that event will have on you personally.
As much as it feels like a cowardly move, I have decided to create a bubble for myself until I can either deal better with what is happening in the world or the world seems a less terrifying place.
That being said, I can imagine this bubble being in place awhile...
However, regardless of the state of the world or the amount of clonazipam I am taking, the fact remains that life is short. Even if none of these terrible things happen, one day this life will end for me. I will not always be here. The people and places I love will not always be here. All things are transient. All things are temporary. All moments are one moment.
While I struggle to accept that, I also know that it means I need to do a better job of focusing on what I really want in life. What do I want to accomplish? What do I want to do with my life? If I were to die tomorrow, or next week, or next month, would I be happy with the way I had spent the hours between then and now?
These are the goals I am setting for myself. Not New Year's Resolutions, but just goals on ways to help me better enjoy my time on this planet:
1. Write a book and try to publish it. For real. No more saying that I will do it one day, or that I almost did it once. Time to become a real author.
2. Meditate daily. Although I also want to continue with yoga and mindfulness, it is the mediation habit that I think will truly change my life.
3. Have more (and better) sex. Focus on my sex life. Try new things. Enjoy my partner. He is pretty amazing
4. Cut out social media as much as possible. I am not going to get rid of my Facebook or Instagram entirely, but I would like to go down to checking them only a couple of times a week. And definitely never, EVER facestalking anyone anymore. That is a complete and utter waste of time, and time is the only precious commodity that we have absolutely no control over.
5. Be more mindful with my children. Not only do I want to be more present when I am with them, but I also want to set a better example with my actions. I want them to grow up to be compassionate people that are amazed by the world around them, so I need to be that person too.
These goals are ambitious, but as someone that has set (and successfully achieved) goals since I was eleven years old, I feel confidant that I can look back on this entry in a couple months and feel like I have made some real progress.
2016 will be the year of being the person I am meant to be.
|Posted by Tricia Drover on October 28, 2015 at 5:10 PM||comments (0)|
Now that I have been able to significantly reduce the amount of stress in my day-to-day life, an interesting side effect has occurred. Now that life TODAY is so good and I have come to terms with the issues of my past I find myself continually distracted by fear for tomorrow.
Ironic, isn’t it? I finally get to a point in my life where I am happy and functioning and I end up handicapped by general anxiety about what might happen.
This has to stop. This is no way to live.
I know that when I look back on my life my main regret will be that I didn’t enjoy the moment enough. I have spent far too much of my life afraid. Far too much of it waiting for…what? A happy ending? A promise that everything would be okay? Someone to turn off my anxiety switch?
I need a new answer. I need to find a way to rewire my brain. I can’t change the fact that bad things may (indeed, will!) happen but I can change the way I live my life so that I can enjoy it as much as possible in spite of life’s inevitable challenges.
ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) is a recurring theme in my life. So is mediation.
It is time to see where those paths take me! A new journey of self-discovery is about to begin.
|Posted by Tricia Drover on July 21, 2015 at 7:15 PM||comments (0)|
July 21, 2015
I have wrinkles.
A lot of wrinkles.
Around my eyes. Laugh lines, all of them.
I don’t have worry lines (yet) astonishingly. I barely have the “around the mouth” lines that most people get in their twenties. My forehead is relatively smooth.
But around my eyes is crazy creased. My eyes squint when I smile – I have a huge smile – and this, combined with inheriting my father’s tendency for under eye bags has created a wrinkle party on my face.
I shouldn’t care. I mean, laugh lines? Is it so horrible that my life has been filled with happiness??
I also shouldn’t be surprised. I tanned. I partied. I smoked. I stressed. It is actually amazing that I don’t look older than I do. I look like I am in my mid-thirties, but at least I don’t look 40! At least, not yet…
It just happened so fast! One day I was in my 20s. I was still getting picked up at bars…now I am officially a cougar. Or, at least I would be if I wasn’t happily married.
My husband thinks I am beautiful. I truly, honestly believe that. Wrinkles won’t change that. And why should I care what random people think of the way I look? Why does the way I look matter? I am not an unattractive woman. So what if I am now “good looking for my age”? Is that such a terrible thing? I’m not 20, why should I look it??
What I need to get beyond is that looking older is bad. Wrinkles are unattractive. Why? Why are wrinkles unattractive? Why is the attraction to people that have smooth, untouched skin? Why does society tell us that youth is what is appealing? Anyone can be youthful. It takes stamina to get older.
I need to embrace my wrinkles. I need to embrace my age. 33 and I am so healthy. So strong. So happy. My life is complete. I have a family, a home, a career, a bright future (well, if you take climate change out of the equation anyway…). What does it matter if I am no longer young?
So I am aging. I have always been aging. If the world at large can see it now then let them. All they see is that my happiness shows on my face.
Each wrinkle, each scar, each age spot, each spider vein – they tell a story. I am getting more interesting by the day.
I may not look as beautiful at first, but I really do think that my soul is getting brighter with each day. If that shows in my face then let it. Let the laugh lines come.
|Posted by Tricia Drover on July 7, 2015 at 6:35 PM||comments (0)|
Be thankful for my laugh lines
For they are not worry lines
Be thankful that I have been given
To see myself age.
I look my age
Because I have lived my life
And I don't hide
Or hair dye
My extensive network of scars
Tell the story
Of my life
I am imperfect in a way
That only I can be.
I no longer have
To be defined
By my looks
My Body -
Is no longer dependant
On how others perceive me.
I look my age
And that is okay
Because I am my age
I have lived
And my body tells the tale.
|Posted by Tricia Drover on June 11, 2015 at 12:40 PM||comments (0)|
I can honestly say that my life is pretty much perfect right now.
I love my job. I love my job! It has been a long time since I could say that. I love the people. I love the work. I love the opportunities. I love the pay! The hours still give me life/work balance. I have an office. With a door. And a window!
My home is perfect. I love my garden. It is flourishing. It will take some time to maximize production but in the meantime I am very happy with everything. Even my seed babies are super healthy and happy.
My family is healthy and happy. My boys are growing into wonderful young men. My husband is an amazing human being that loves me unconditionally and supports me in everything that I do.
I have the time and energy to pursue the things that matter to me. Now that my anxiety is (mostly) under control I am able to do yoga daily, write on a regular basis, enjoy my time with my lover, and learn new skills such as horseback riding. Those are things that I struggled to find time for when my life was filled with stress and anxiety.
The only thing I would change is that my stepson would come to live with us full time – I am so tired of having to deal with all the BS that comes from co-parenting with someone whose values and outlook on life are so completely different from my own. However, that is a (relatively) small issue in what is an amazing life.
My main focus now is to work on being mindful throughout my day. Through yoga, meditation, and exercise I have reduced my stress and anxiety levels to as low as they have ever been. Now, through mindfulness I hope to take my life to a whole other level of experience as I learn to live my life not in terms of my destination but day-by-day, enjoying each step of the journey.