|Posted by Tricia Drover on July 21, 2015 at 7:15 PM||comments (0)|
July 21, 2015
I have wrinkles.
A lot of wrinkles.
Around my eyes. Laugh lines, all of them.
I don’t have worry lines (yet) astonishingly. I barely have the “around the mouth” lines that most people get in their twenties. My forehead is relatively smooth.
But around my eyes is crazy creased. My eyes squint when I smile – I have a huge smile – and this, combined with inheriting my father’s tendency for under eye bags has created a wrinkle party on my face.
I shouldn’t care. I mean, laugh lines? Is it so horrible that my life has been filled with happiness??
I also shouldn’t be surprised. I tanned. I partied. I smoked. I stressed. It is actually amazing that I don’t look older than I do. I look like I am in my mid-thirties, but at least I don’t look 40! At least, not yet…
It just happened so fast! One day I was in my 20s. I was still getting picked up at bars…now I am officially a cougar. Or, at least I would be if I wasn’t happily married.
My husband thinks I am beautiful. I truly, honestly believe that. Wrinkles won’t change that. And why should I care what random people think of the way I look? Why does the way I look matter? I am not an unattractive woman. So what if I am now “good looking for my age”? Is that such a terrible thing? I’m not 20, why should I look it??
What I need to get beyond is that looking older is bad. Wrinkles are unattractive. Why? Why are wrinkles unattractive? Why is the attraction to people that have smooth, untouched skin? Why does society tell us that youth is what is appealing? Anyone can be youthful. It takes stamina to get older.
I need to embrace my wrinkles. I need to embrace my age. 33 and I am so healthy. So strong. So happy. My life is complete. I have a family, a home, a career, a bright future (well, if you take climate change out of the equation anyway…). What does it matter if I am no longer young?
So I am aging. I have always been aging. If the world at large can see it now then let them. All they see is that my happiness shows on my face.
Each wrinkle, each scar, each age spot, each spider vein – they tell a story. I am getting more interesting by the day.
I may not look as beautiful at first, but I really do think that my soul is getting brighter with each day. If that shows in my face then let it. Let the laugh lines come.
|Posted by Tricia Drover on July 7, 2015 at 6:35 PM||comments (0)|
Be thankful for my laugh lines
For they are not worry lines
Be thankful that I have been given
To see myself age.
I look my age
Because I have lived my life
And I don't hide
Or hair dye
My extensive network of scars
Tell the story
Of my life
I am imperfect in a way
That only I can be.
I no longer have
To be defined
By my looks
My Body -
Is no longer dependant
On how others perceive me.
I look my age
And that is okay
Because I am my age
I have lived
And my body tells the tale.
|Posted by Tricia Drover on July 6, 2015 at 1:25 PM||comments (0)|
I have started a new blog to vent all my joys and frustrations inherent in motherhood.
Please check it out!
|Posted by Tricia Drover on July 1, 2015 at 2:20 PM||comments (0)|
I am having a bit of a hard time lately. I have friends – some of them lifelong friends – that I have lost contact with. I have been trying to contact them via Facebook, email, Skype, etc; but to no avail. I am trying to accept the fact that this cold shoulder has nothing to do with me but it is hard not to take being ignored personally.
Despite spending nearly a decade at my old place of work, no one there has bothered to try to keep in contact with me. I was trying at first, sending emails and trying to keep in touch, but it was hard not to notice that the effort seemed to be all one sided. And now I am not even getting responses back to the emails I send.
To be fair, at first my old manager (my old friend) was making an effort. However, now she is completely ignoring me. I suggested going for beers again – no answer. Part of me wonders if something happened. Did she find out that I did or said something that made her dislike me? Perhaps, but I don’t think I actually did or said anything that would have that affect. I did make it very clear to a few people that she has issues managing people (issues that I think she is already very aware of) but I also always said that she was extremely intelligent, good at her job, and making efforts to change. However, it is possible only the bad stuff made it to her. Or perhaps they are upset with how I left my tasks when I left my job? Maybe they think I didn’t do such a good job after all? There will always be people who don’t like how you do things, or don’t understand your systems. It is quite possible that whoever is taking over from me isn’t impressed with how I did things. That being said, does that mean I did a bad job? Considering that when I was there I always got done what I needed to do, and I did it with generally high quality results I don’t think that any negative perception of my abilities after I left would be a reasonable analysis.
So it is possible that my manager heard that I was saying things about her. It is possible that they think I left my old position in a disastrous state. Are either of those things true? Not really, but they could still be believed.
And it might not have anything to do with that. People get busy. Or they could just be butthurt that I left. It is easy for people to be happy for you at first, but after you leave and they are there picking up the pieces the resentment could definitely start to grow.
I honestly have no idea how ten years of my life could matter so little. Do I miss my old coworkers? A couple of them, but I thought we would stay in touch regardless. But apparently not. Apparently it is going to be a very clean break.
I am mostly okay with that, but it makes me wonder how deep relationships will become in this new phase of my life. Of course, in pretty much every job BEFORE my corporate prison sentence I was very close with those I worked with. My last job was the anomaly but it was a very significant one.
I just don’t know if it is me or them, haha. All know is that it doesn’t feel right to keep throwing energy at a situation that isn’t giving any positive energy back. It is still an abyss. However, it is an abyss that I don’t have to deal with anymore!
It is not only my old work though. One very dear friend in particular has seemingly no time for me. My oldest friend. Someone that has known me since I was eleven, friends since I was fourteen. Someone that I thought would be in my life until the day I died. We don’t speak much but up until recently we always had time for the occasional Skype or, at the very least, an email here and there. Right now, nothing.
I lost another good friend over jealousy earlier this year. Her girlfriend didn’t like her knowing me anymore, so we no longer speak. That was another person that I thought would always be there.
Others I have drifted apart from slowly. I accept that. There are people that I was very close to for a specific part of my life and I will always treasure them for that. This isn’t like that, though. These are people that have weathered storms with me. People that were there when things were bad. People that celebrated my best moments with me. These are the people that help define who I am. And now they are conspicuously absent from my life.
Again, though, I cannot keep throwing energy in a direction where it is not returned. For now I need to focus on what is in front of me. There are wonderful people in my life that are giving me support, love, and friendship. It is time to focus on them and let go of those that don’t have time/space/desire for me right now. It is time to let go.
If you love something let it go.
If it leaves and does not return, it was never meant to be.
If, however, it returns willingly then their love is a treasure beyond measure.
July 1, 2015
|Posted by Tricia Drover on June 23, 2015 at 12:20 PM||comments (0)|
Such a small little light
Shining from a tiny soul
Yet so much love
Freely, without expectation
The love we give
Is the love that holds us up.
RIP Sniffles (June 18, 2015)